Oh my. This “Wild Rose” series has really been so encouraging for my heart, and I hope it has for you, too! Today’s post is written by my lovely niece, Moriah. She is blissful wifey to Connor, “Moriah Mommy” to precious Gideon, and currently works in retail, and as a music teacher. Moriah is an accomplished violinist and pianist (I could listen forever..) and she is one of the dearest, bravest warrior hearts you’ll meet. I’ve always loved her forthrightness, and this is a beautiful example of her “realness” that inspires me.
Here’s the thing, I don’t write, I mean, I can make a pretty mean grocery list but that’s usually the extent of my skills. Growing up I hated reading and writing so I would always beg my older sister to read my school books to me, as well as try to look off her page if we had a writing assignment.
But, my lovely aunt asked me if I would be interested in opening up, and sharing my opinion on a few subjects. So here I am, coming to you with no writing skills but with an open heart.
Growing up I guess I had a weird view of men. I see it now, but then it was the norm. I saw men as the greater of the two genders, the leaders, the decision makers. Sometimes I even wished that I’d been born a boy, it must be so fun to have all the power, and so amazing to know everything. Or so I thought. I wanted to know why men always made me feel so small, it didn’t matter their size or age, I always felt a need to submit, no matter the relationship. From age twelve and up I REALLY started to contract a hate for men, but it was weird because I still wanted their approval. I mean, it felt good to be complemented on my looks, the attention was addicting to be honest. So in turn I fed off of empty remarks, stupid flirtations and basically any male attention. I remember when I was alone, or at night I would ask God what was wrong with me, why my life seemed to be a roller coaster of stupidity that I couldn’t stop.
I wanted to be free, free from it all. I wanted to be Anne standing on the red beaches of Prince Edward Island, the wind in my hair (Lol for all of you Anne lovers).
I wanted peace so bad that sometimes I would put my headphones in, play a soundtrack from a favorite movie and just close my eyes and dream of what it would be like to feel whole.
I hate that I felt like that, and that I was too prideful a lot of the time to ask for guidance, because obviously I should know how to get my crap together. I kept telling myself it was my own fault for getting myself into stupid situations with guys.
I can’t tell you the day, or the time but a few years back I hit a wall of numbness. It was God. But everything that “got” me in the past suddenly didn’t interest me anymore. I wanted to go off the deep end because I felt like I deserved it, but part of me still didn’t want to be “that” girl, the girl from a big family that everyone thought was so great but ended up lost in the world. So I held on a little longer, and my earthly savior did come, in the form of my now husband. He taught me to love myself first, to take care of myself first. My eyes were opened, we need to take care of US first, or what good can we do for others?
It’s okay to not be okay. It’s ok to cry out to God and just ask him to hold us. I don’t understand a lot of things, I don’t understand loss or hurt but God does. I want to fall into the arms of Jesus everyday. He’s there, just ask.
Everyone has their own story, I tell you part of mine in hopes that I can help someone not feel so alone, as I did. Everyone needs a friend to fall back on. Get well, peeps. And go BE that person for someone.
Hugs and love to ALL!